I thought I knew. I had researched and researched adoption for years. I read the blogs of adoptive parents. I talked to my friends who have adopted. I read blogs of adult adoptees. I thought I knew what the process would be like. I couldn't fathom what they were talking about when they said, "Let me know if you have questions. Or, if you just need to talk." C'mon, it's just paperwork, training, make a book that says everything about your family that would make birth parents choose you, and then adopt a baby. No problem.
{ahem}
Yeah. So, I love being creative, but writing this book has me all in a useless emotional heap. You can tell me all of the logical, intellectual reasons that I should just calm down and carry on, but all of your wisdom just doesn't seem to touch that part of my soul which is just overwhelmed by the enormity of the concept of what it means for all of our lives to soon collide (birth mother, baby, us....) God is so big, so good, and so knocked me to my knees. If that's uncomfortable for you to hear, then just close your ears, but please don't try to help me snap out of it. It's very apparent to me that this is a process and there's no rushing through it...
Writing our adoption profile book (that book that our child's birth mother will use to "choose" us) has been the catalyst for the emotional heap. It has taken weeks to write, re-write, and re-write. I think the hardest part is just figuring out how to articulate what is really on my heart. How do I convey it all in words and pictures? Well, today this paragraph came out of my fingertips and is one of those rare instances where I think this is just what I wanted to say. I hope that our child's birth mother hears my heart. Most importantly, I hope that someday when our child reads this book, that our child hears my heart:
To say we want to adopt because we are unable to conceive biological children most definitely does not tell the whole story for us. Both of us have known, since before we met, that adoption would be one way that we would build our family. We discussed our desire to adopt many times when we were dating and planning and dreaming of our future family. Yes, it is true that we have been infertile for many years. However, just because adoption is sequentially second on this journey of our family does not mean that it is secondary in our hearts. In fact, we feel a joy and a privilege to be on this path that so mirrors our own adoption into God’s kingdom.Now I've got to just put this book together and somehow tell the story of two people who have been praying for this child for years, who will be the best, most imperfect parents God could have ever chosen. Until the story is told and the book is made, I'm pretty sure that no amount of intellectual reasoning for why I shouldn't be feeling this way will snap me out of it.
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