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We've been told to journal our adoption journey, for our sake and for the sake of our future children.  So, here's a small snapshot of the journey this weekend...

On Friday, a friend of ours met a woman who is pregnant and told her that she had made the decision to find another family to raise her baby. My friend put us in touch and we had, what I thought, was a very good phone call. We decided to meet this morning. She never showed up... or answered my text... or responded to my voicemails.

Since Friday, we have been asking our friends to pray for us, for this woman, for her baby. We asked that God would make it CLEAR what His plan and His will are for all of us. This tapestry of Life is His to weave how He chooses and we wholeheartedly choose His will, not ours.

In the same breath I declare my deep faith and trust in God, I deeply feel my humanity... a woman who just began the fortieth year of life this week... childless and begging God to provide our family the children we have been praying for for seven years.

This morning... waiting for someone to not show up... was not my plan....

Friday brought a spark of new, but cautious, hope that maybe this wait may soon have a "due date".... and now that spark has been extinguished.

So the real question just brings me back to the heart of it all... Do my tears of sorrow on the way home from a meeting that never happened chip away at my faith or just bring me closer to my Jesus? ... "He was despised and rejected... a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on Him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care." {Isaiah 53:3}

A small army of friends and family have been praying for us all weekend and there is not a shadow of doubt in my mind that our prayer for "discernment and clarity" was answered this morning. It is not the answer I wanted, but it is the answer I will embrace as I trust in my God who has never ever not even once failed to be faithful to any of His children ever.

For as long as it takes, I will wait and Hope.

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
    and he turned to me and heard my cry.
 He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
    out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
    and steadied me as I walked along.
 He has given me a new song to sing,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
    They will put their trust in the Lord.

 Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,
    who have no confidence in the proud
    or in those who worship idols.
 O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.
    Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
    You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,
    I would never come to the end of them.

 You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings.
    Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand—
    you don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings.
 Then I said, “Look, I have come.
    As is written about me in the Scriptures:
 I take joy in doing your will, my God,
    for your instructions are written on my heart.”

 I have told all your people about your justice.
    I have not been afraid to speak out,
    as you, O Lord, well know.
 I have not kept the good news of your justice hidden in my heart;
    I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power.
I have told everyone in the great assembly
    of your unfailing love and faithfulness.

 Lord, don’t hold back your tender mercies from me.
    Let your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me.
 For troubles surround me—
    too many to count!
My sins pile up so high
    I can’t see my way out.
They outnumber the hairs on my head.
    I have lost all courage.

 Please, Lord, rescue me!
    Come quickly, Lord, and help me.
 May those who try to destroy me
    be humiliated and put to shame.
May those who take delight in my trouble
    be turned back in disgrace.
 Let them be horrified by their shame,
    for they said, “Aha! We’ve got him now!”

 But may all who search for you
    be filled with joy and gladness in you.
May those who love your salvation    repeatedly shout, “The Lord is great!”
 As for me, since I am poor and needy,
    let the Lord keep me in his thoughts.
You are my helper and my savior.
    O my God, do not delay.

{Psalm 40}

Sometimes waiting is so hard, but I am beyond blessed.

However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me —the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace. 

{Acts 20:24}